A Summer of Winters: Jehovah Jireh Sends a Nor'easter & Hides My Shovel. Part II: Spring Comes in December

This post is so long because I originally began it in mid-November. I never did finish the November post, but I'm going to pick it up and continue it as it is. It should probably be two posts. Oh well.

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(November)

"God, things down here have been so messed up lately. It's been one monumental thing after another. I trusted You from the beginning of it all and I still do, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I'm in a never ending blizzard of sickness, death and life-crushing vices. Everyone I love is suffering terribly and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I've been listening carefully for You and You're still not saying much. Where are you, Abba? Please, bring us all some relief from this."

My prayers lately have been very similar to the plea above, but it seems that all the Ultimate Provider (Jehovah Jireh, Genesis 14:22) has been doing for me these days is sending more spiritual snow and hiding the shovel that I need to dig my way out. I really do trust Him, but I'm getting tired of the same old stuff. Nothing is changing and I am tired of being tired.

This year has been very difficult for me and those closest to me.

Last fall, my grandfather was diagnosed with lymphoma. He was given a good prognosis and did well at first, but by the spring of this year his condition began to deteriorate. Before we knew it, his mind was coming and going and he couldn't eat or drink anything. He passed away in June after a fight that destroyed his body, and crushed his spirits and those of his family. It hit us all very hard. A year before his death, the whole family was sailing around the Caribbean to celebrate he and my grandmother's 50th wedding anniversary. And now he's gone.

More than anything, I hated watching the rest of my family deal with his sickness. The downtrodden Job said in chapter 1, verse 21: "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May the name of the Lord be ever praised." For me, that knowledge was and is comforting. It signifies to me that God is always in control. Whether a gift (like my grandfather) is given or taken, the God of Goodness has His mighty hand on my life. For the rest of my family, the assurance that can be found with God as I understand Him seems to fail to take root. My heart aches for my grandmother, aunt and uncles. I wish I could do more to comfort them. But I don't know how to.

And it's not just my grandfather's passing that has been difficult. In the wake of his death, another person close to me was diagnosed with cancer. I won't share the whole story for the sake of that person's privacy, but suffice it to say that the very last thing they needed this fall was cancer. So, my heart has been re-crushed and I find myself in blizzard, take 2. Then there are the countless scores of people in my community who are also afflicted with cancer, Alzheimer's and other illnesses. Good people. Friends. Neighbors. People who don't deserve it. Before August of this year, one of my best friends had lost a grandfather, aunt and cousin to cancer. It seems like everyone I know is getting ill and dying or being hurt by watching someone they love die of cancer or some other disease or condition. And I hate it.

My heart is so very heavy.

In addition to the seemingly countless deaths, drugs, alcoholism and other vices have made their way into the lives of people I care deeply about. At this point, I'm sick of seeing people hurt. But I believe that He has a purpose for everything and I'll keep sending my thanks to the Most High (1 Thessalonians 5:18) though for now He is quiet...

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(Cue December)

So, in spite of everything that's happened this year, I was and am still breathing. But because things have just started calming down recently and have just been "okay", I have found myself going through extreme periods of doubt. To be fair, I had connected with God here and there during the difficult times, but it was nothing like what I knew the true peace of Christ entails. He had yet to give me the comfort promised at the end of trials and I was wondering what the deal was. Like you all have read from my partially done November post above, I know that He sometimes hides His face during hard times (Isaiah 54:7-8). The problem was that the hard times were ending and He had basically been silent still. There were no spiritual hugs, no holy I-told-you-so's, no angels shouting, "Look! The holy One came back to Pennsylvania!" I waited and when the time came for Him to speak Truth, He wouldn't utter a thing.

It was incredibly anti-climatic.

And I got angry.

All I wanted was loving assurance, up close. I'd been through a lot. It wasn't much to ask.

The God of the universe finally spoke when I broke down. Instead of praying, "Abba Father, I trust You to take our pain away and lead us through this," like I had been, I said, "Abba Father, I miss You desperately and I just want to be with You again." Instant peace. Literally, instant. If you know Jesus, you know what I'm talking about. That indescribable, overwhelming feeling. And it is peace but it's also so much more than that. It is a feeling that I didn't know before I understood God, and what I now know to be the presence of God Himself. The hand of the Almighty was back on my life and I got a good night's sleep that night for the first time in a long time.

So, why was God quiet for so long? The answer can be found in my prayers. While I was trusting Him in the midst of everything and was semi-connecting with Him for a time, I stopped focusing on Him after a while. In my frustration, Jesus became a means to an end - the end of pain for my family, friends and self - and not my ultimate goal. When life got difficult, I could only hang onto the knowledge that life works best when He comes first for so long. And in forgetting that simple and immensely profound truth I ending up prolonging my pain. I wanted comfort, I didn't truly want the Comforter Himself. As I type this, I want to scream at myself for being so stupid. How backwards I was!

Fortunately, God has come back to me. For days He has been speaking to me the last half of the verse I mentioned earlier, Isaiah 54:7, "...but with deep compassion I will bring you back." And I gotta be honest, guys, it feels so, so good to be back with Him again.

In keeping with the slang-iness of God is Legit, let me close with Who God is and what He offers: Grace, peace and love like whoa.

Agape,

Brittany

An Orange-Tinted Lesson in Giving

This morning my dad was passing through the area for work and, because I hadn't seen him in quite some time, he stopped by campus to say hello and bring me some things. I had a fairly light lunch, so I decided a few hours later that I would have one of the oranges he brought. As a sat alone in my room trying to peel the orange with a dull plastic knife and messily eating it, I thought about all the oranges I still had. My roommate loves fruit, so I planned to offer her a few of them when I see her later on tonight. I noticed then all of the other bags filled with snack mixes, breakfast bars, soup and whatever else. I could never eat it all; it's too much.

In my life I have been blessed with many material things. I've always had plenty of food, a solid roof over my head, a warm bed on cold winter nights and a fan or air conditioner to camp out next to in the heat of the summer. As I looked at those bags of food and started planning what I would offer to my friends and what I would keep for myself, something hit me: Would I ever be willing to give all of it away?

I like to think that I am a generous person. I am quick to offer help or lend an ear to a hurting friend when I can, and I am quick to give what I can to those in need; but the key word there is "can." I offer what I can, but never everything that I have. When I realized this, an immense feeling of shame swept over me.

I thought about Jesus. I thought about how, though this world is fallen and sick, He willingly was tortured, beaten and left to die on a cross for its sake. How, out of love, He was wiling to give everything He had for a world that didn't deserve it. How He was willing to die for us. How He was willing to die for me.

I felt like a hypocrite. And in a way, I was.

There I was, a Christian, selfishly choosing what I wanted to keep for myself -- instead of being willing to give it all away in the name of love.

For us to truly be called disciples of Jesus, we must pick up our crosses and follow Him (Matthew 16:24). This means following His example in all things, but particularly by giving to others freely and lovingly, just as He gave up His very life for us.

In 2 Corinthians 9:6-8, we read, "Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

My prayer is this: Jesus, Giver of Life, help me to remember your sacrifice on the cross by presenting me with opportunities where I may give fully to others, as You have given Yourself fully for me. Soften my heart, Lord, so that I may give cheerfully to all whom You place in my path. Show Your great love to this world by allowing me to sow generously into the lives of others, just as You have sown seeds of hope, love and life in me. Amen.

Today's reading: 2 Corinthians 9:6-8

And, if anyone would like some oranges or cereal bars, be sure to let me know! :)

Agape,
Brittany

God Is Legit

Hello Everyone!

Most of you viewing this must have recently joined our Facebook group "God Is Legit". This was created almost as a joke of sorts between my friend and I.

But, God is no joke. He's the real deal. We created our Facebook group in hopes of spreading the Gospel to our friends and family.

We intend on keeping the group light-hearted and fun but we wanted to create a special place for those who wish to discuss the Gospel in depth. Bear with us as this is still new and, as we are both college students, we do not have unlimited time on our hands.

PLEASE - Keep this "forum" of sorts respectful and courteous. Please respect others' opinions. Not all of us share the same views and if you are here to spread hateful comments, please do not waste your time for they will be deleted.

Thank you all for visiting and we hope to see you all back often!

In faith,

Anita and Brittany
Founders of "God Is Legit"