This post is so long because I originally began it in mid-November. I never did finish the November post, but I'm going to pick it up and continue it as it is. It should probably be two posts. Oh well.
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(November)
"God, things down here have been so messed up lately. It's been one monumental thing after another. I trusted You from the beginning of it all and I still do, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I'm in a never ending blizzard of sickness, death and life-crushing vices. Everyone I love is suffering terribly and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I've been listening carefully for You and You're still not saying much. Where are you, Abba? Please, bring us all some relief from this."
My prayers lately have been very similar to the plea above, but it seems that all the Ultimate Provider (Jehovah Jireh, Genesis 14:22) has been doing for me these days is sending more spiritual snow and hiding the shovel that I need to dig my way out. I really do trust Him, but I'm getting tired of the same old stuff. Nothing is changing and I am tired of being tired.
This year has been very difficult for me and those closest to me.
Last fall, my grandfather was diagnosed with lymphoma. He was given a good prognosis and did well at first, but by the spring of this year his condition began to deteriorate. Before we knew it, his mind was coming and going and he couldn't eat or drink anything. He passed away in June after a fight that destroyed his body, and crushed his spirits and those of his family. It hit us all very hard. A year before his death, the whole family was sailing around the Caribbean to celebrate he and my grandmother's 50th wedding anniversary. And now he's gone.
More than anything, I hated watching the rest of my family deal with his sickness. The downtrodden Job said in chapter 1, verse 21: "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May the name of the Lord be ever praised." For me, that knowledge was and is comforting. It signifies to me that God is always in control. Whether a gift (like my grandfather) is given or taken, the God of Goodness has His mighty hand on my life. For the rest of my family, the assurance that can be found with God as I understand Him seems to fail to take root. My heart aches for my grandmother, aunt and uncles. I wish I could do more to comfort them. But I don't know how to.
And it's not just my grandfather's passing that has been difficult. In the wake of his death, another person close to me was diagnosed with cancer. I won't share the whole story for the sake of that person's privacy, but suffice it to say that the very last thing they needed this fall was cancer. So, my heart has been re-crushed and I find myself in blizzard, take 2. Then there are the countless scores of people in my community who are also afflicted with cancer, Alzheimer's and other illnesses. Good people. Friends. Neighbors. People who don't deserve it. Before August of this year, one of my best friends had lost a grandfather, aunt and cousin to cancer. It seems like everyone I know is getting ill and dying or being hurt by watching someone they love die of cancer or some other disease or condition. And I hate it.
My heart is so very heavy.
In addition to the seemingly countless deaths, drugs, alcoholism and other vices have made their way into the lives of people I care deeply about. At this point, I'm sick of seeing people hurt. But I believe that He has a purpose for everything and I'll keep sending my thanks to the Most High (1 Thessalonians 5:18) though for now He is quiet...
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(Cue December)
So, in spite of everything that's happened this year, I was and am still breathing. But because things have just started calming down recently and have just been "okay", I have found myself going through extreme periods of doubt. To be fair, I had connected with God here and there during the difficult times, but it was nothing like what I knew the true peace of Christ entails. He had yet to give me the comfort promised at the end of trials and I was wondering what the deal was. Like you all have read from my partially done November post above, I know that He sometimes hides His face during hard times (Isaiah 54:7-8). The problem was that the hard times were ending and He had basically been silent still. There were no spiritual hugs, no holy I-told-you-so's, no angels shouting, "Look! The holy One came back to Pennsylvania!" I waited and when the time came for Him to speak Truth, He wouldn't utter a thing.
It was incredibly anti-climatic.
And I got angry.
All I wanted was loving assurance, up close. I'd been through a lot. It wasn't much to ask.
So, why was God quiet for so long? The answer can be found in my prayers. While I was trusting Him in the midst of everything and was semi-connecting with Him for a time, I stopped focusing on Him after a while. In my frustration, Jesus became a means to an end - the end of pain for my family, friends and self - and not my ultimate goal. When life got difficult, I could only hang onto the knowledge that life works best when He comes first for so long. And in forgetting that simple and immensely profound truth I ending up prolonging my pain. I wanted comfort, I didn't truly want the Comforter Himself. As I type this, I want to scream at myself for being so stupid. How backwards I was!
Fortunately, God has come back to me. For days He has been speaking to me the last half of the verse I mentioned earlier, Isaiah 54:7, "...but with deep compassion I will bring you back." And I gotta be honest, guys, it feels so, so good to be back with Him again.
In keeping with the slang-iness of God is Legit, let me close with Who God is and what He offers: Grace, peace and love like whoa.
Agape,
Brittany
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